Call Me Stewardess Read online

  I had been so excited for my very first flight; my good friend Becky had also been hired as a flight attendant and we had just moved in together in Boston. To save money, after our initial training we had decided to move in together and had even taken in another colleague of ours, Rupert, who is now a great friend. A new apartment, new roommates, a new job! I was stoked! To top it all off, I had flown off to London on a warm summer afternoon. It had nothing to do with what I was about to go through that morning, picking up that damned phone.

  I must admit that things had not changed much for me since my first day as a flight attendant. I was still single and still living with Rupert and Becky, in the same apartment. I was still with Americair, except now was winter and I had just been woken up from a nice deep sleep. I knew it was them, crew sked. My frenemy, who would most likely send me off to Mexico and back, as opposed to an overnight in London.

  On that day, crew sked could be my worst enemy. Simply put, the Crew Scheduling Department—crew sked— is the department looking after crews. And they had the power to send me to either Paris or Fort Lauderdale, so I was better off trying to be their friend. But who’s friend exactly, you might ask?

  When flight attendants call in sick, crew sked is in charge of replacing them with another flight attendant. Crew sked also books our hotel rooms when we must spend the night overseas. They call us in Paris to inform us that our aircraft is arriving late, or that they’ve found my wallet at the airport and are kindly sending it to my hotel. Crew sked has the final say on whether I get to fly to Athens on a four-day layover or to Orlando for a return trip on a plane full of rowdy kids.

  Before picking up the phone, I crossed my fingers and quickly wished for the best. Anything was possible seeing as I had just turned twenty-nine; maybe they knew my birthday had just gone by and would assign me to a flight down south, where I would sleep under the tropical sun. The best gift ever! But no matter the destination or the time it was, I had to pick up; I was on duty after all. Still in between dreams, I reached an arm out from under the covers, through the air that had gotten significantly colder in my room, and picked up the phone.

  “Hello?

  I tried to make myself sound a little less sleepy than I actually was.

  “Good morning, may I speak with Scarlett Lambert, please?”

  Crew scheduling had to, first and foremost, make sure they were talking to the right person.

  “Yes, speaking,” I answered.

  “Hello, Scarlett, this is Nancy from Crew Scheduling.”

  Nancy spoke softly, as if not wanting to surge me out of my sleep too abruptly. Or maybe she felt bad about waking me up so early. Regardless, the damage was done, and I hoped she would quickly let me know where I was headed.

  “I’m going to need you this morning for a return flight to San José. Takeoff is at seven o’clock, landing tonight at six forty-five. You’re working the flight there, and deadheading back.”

  “Okay, thanks. Bye.”

  That was the extent of the conversation. I’m not one to ask people to repeat themselves and I had all the information I needed anyway. I knew I had to be at the aircraft by six o’clock, exactly one hour before takeoff, and that I’d be back home tonight. Therefore, I would only bring my small suitcase (carry-on), with a packed lunch to avoid the airplane meals, which are full of sodium, a great source of cellulite. Since I was only working the flight from Boston to San José, Costa Rica, I would wear my uniform and bring a change of comfortable clothes for the return flight; I was deadheading back.

  The flight I had been assigned to was far from a nice twenty-four hours in Punta Cana, but deadheading back wasn’t so bad at all. Crew sked must assign two different crews to operate return flights to Costa Rica as otherwise the workday would be way too long for one single crew to handle. So, there is one team operating outbound and another one operating inbound. While the first crew is hard at work, the second crew can sit back and relax. They’ll only work on the way back, which is when the first crew, who looked after the aircraft on the way to San José, can in turn get changed and become simple passengers.

  Anyhow, whether we fly as passengers on the outbound or the inbound flight, or even to another destination for work, we call it a “deadhead.” Literally, I guess, I’m coming back from Costa Rica with a “dead head.” My brain will be switched off so that I can enjoy a movie or a glass of wine, seeing as I won’t be operating. I will become a simple passenger. In my opinion, it’s much better to come back as a passenger than to leave as passenger on a five-hour flight and have to operate the return portion. I silently thanked crew sked.

  ◆◆◆

  After answering the call, I had to get up if I wanted to have enough time to get ready properly, without rushing. Normally, when I am alone in the apartment, I like to put some music on to wake up, even if it’s only four a.m. That day, however, I had no choice but to remain silent. Rupert and Becky were asleep in their bedrooms, right next to the main room. Becky had a couple of days off since she had just come back from a series of flights the night before. As for Rupert, he was also on reserve but they hadn’t called him yet. And I thought it was better that way . . .

  I jumped out of my bed as fast as I could and picked up my bathrobe. It was so cold in the apartment; my body was about to suffer a drastic temperature drop. I had to get into the shower right away or I’d be frozen for the rest of the day. Why was it so cold! I thought I had turned up the heat before going to bed. Rupert must have messed with the thermostat again. Even after living together for so long, he kept telling me the heat was on too high and our electricity bill was too expensive. Right then, while I was uselessly pondering on the heating situation, Rupert appeared in the living room. I was surprised to see him get up at this time.

  “Aren’t you sleeping, Rupert?” I asked him, still half asleep myself.

  “Crew sked just called me,” he answered, scratching his head. “They gave me a flight.”

  His hair was a mess and his eyes were still half shut. Bare chested, without a hint of a shiver, he pulled up his boxers and watched me enter the bathroom. I couldn’t wait to get in the shower but I was also curious to know where he was headed.

  “Where are you going?” I whispered.

  “I’m just going to San José and back, but at least I’m deadheading back” he answered, without a trace of excitement.

  He was disappointed and I could relate. Just like me, he would have preferred to be sent off to Punta Cana and dance the night away at the hotel club. Obviously, I would have enjoyed going out dancing with him, but I know Rupert would have preferred to sleep in the Dominican Republic not to have a blast with his roommate, but to meet up with the handsome flight attendants recently arrived from Europe and settling in at the resort. Rupert does like to fool around, but he’s always discreet about it. He prefers spending time with men from other airlines instead of conquering Americair flight attendants. At least rumors of his adventures don’t go around the company, but around the world instead. Nothing less. Rupert seemed even less thrilled than me about going to San José. In seeing him, I took it upon myself to cheer him up.

  “Hey, don’t be so disappointed! I’m coming with you and we’ll get to chill together on the way back.”

  I tried to sound happy about flying with my friend but to be honest, I was a little nervous about being on his crew. Everything happens to Rupert at work; he has the worst luck. Either the plane is delayed, his luggage lost, or a passenger falls seriously ill and the aircraft is diverted for a medical emergency landing. And much more. Of all the flight attendants at Americair, none has had half as many misadventures as Rupert has had in two and half years.

  A few months before, he was called on a flight to Frankfurt, Germany. He wasn’t originally part of the crew but a flight attendant called in sick at the last minute, so crew sked called Rupert-the-Jinx. The flight was due to take off at around nine p.m. They had just finished boarding and were ready to leave when the man filling up
the water tanks hit the plane’s fuselage with his truck. This created a little bump, which could not be ignored. The captain was made aware and he had no choice but to delay the flight in order to get the bump repaired. The part was easily replaceable so the delay was only an hour, but I am certain that if Rupert hadn’t been on board, the truck would never have gotten so close to the fuselage.

  But that’s not all, there’s more to the story. The aircraft took off for Germany and landed without incident. Rupert spent twenty-four hours there, just enough time for a nap and a walk through the city. He went out for dinner with the crew to a small restaurant near the hotel and went to bed early to make up for the night before.

  The next day, the crew got on the aircraft that had just landed in Frankfurt. The passengers boarded and they all took off for the US. About an hour after passing the Irish coast, some 36,000 feet in the air, right over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, a woman came to the back of the aircraft where Rupert was busy setting up the meal carts. She fell into his arms, unconscious. After lying her down on the floor, he raised her legs to help her regain consciousness. When someone faints, this technique usually works 99 percent of the time, but that day, the lady did not regain consciousness. The situation made Rupert quite uncomfortable. He asked another flight attendant for help and immediately called the head flight attendant, known as the chief purser. In a matter of minutes, the situation deteriorated and the woman stopped breathing. There was no doctor on board. The closest airport was now way too far and so there was no point in heading that way. They had to act fast. One flight attendant began performing CPR. The oxygen and defibrillator were taken out. But they were unsuccessful; the woman passed away. As there was nothing else the crew could do, the aircraft continued on its trajectory to the US. The woman was carefully placed on one of the crew seats with an oxygen mask covering her face, looking like an ill lady. The crew resumed the cabin service for the six remaining hours, as if nothing had happened. Thankfully, none of the passengers noticed a thing.

  When they landed in Boston, the emergency personnel came in to retrieve the woman’s body. Since she had been in a seated position for many hours, her arms and legs had stiffened. The paramedics had to break the articulations in her legs in order to fit her body onto the stretcher. Rupert came back traumatized. Even I was in shock. The jinx had struck hard.

  ◆◆◆

  I wasn’t so thrilled to fly with Rupert, and that was the main reason why. Nevertheless, I couldn’t do anything about it, so I tried the best I could not to worry and jumped in the shower.

  When the hot water finally hit my skin, I started day-dreaming, per usual. When I’m half asleep and have a shower, I start thinking too much or, should I say, I start speculating. I start questioning myself. If I only listened to thoughts then I would turn my life around. I would leave for faraway adventures, far from my responsibilities. But then an hour later, once I’m at the airport, I always find peace and realize that I love my job and that it suits me in every way. That morning, the same thoughts were running through my mind.

  Scarlett, is this really what you want in life, to get up at four a.m. and feel sick to your stomach for hours?

  Scarlett, you’re twenty-nine and still single! You live with a twenty-five-year-old gay guy who skips from one guy to the next and a twenty-six-year-old girl who isn’t ready to settle down either. Surely, they won’t be the ones helping you find Mr. Right. What are you doing here?

  Scarlett, come on, stop overthinking. You know you’ll be all right once you set foot on the aircraft. You’ll be happy again, like a fish in water.

  I was better off keeping my imagination quiet. Anyway, after braving the winter cold in my car and the black of the night on the road, I’d smile again as soon as I got to the airport. I chased the bad thoughts away and focused on getting ready instead, which was much more productive.

  I freed the bathroom for Rupert to use and headed back to my room to get dressed. I was never the kind of girl who would take hours to do her hair and makeup. I kept my routine simple to save time, especially when it was four a.m. and we had to get out of the apartment as quickly as possible.

  I pulled my long, brown hair up in a bun with the help of the “donut” I had purchased in England the summer before. This little item called a “donut” is absolutely wonderful and has become THE accessory in every stewardess’s beauty kit. To use it, you put your ponytail through the middle and pin your hair around it. Your bun then looks fuller and perfectly sleek.

  Next step, I proceeded to apply black eyeliner on my eyelids and used the mascara I purchased at the airport’s duty-free boutique. I slipped into my favorite piece of uniform: my black jumper. Since my white shirt was hidden underneath, it could survive damage from potential spillage or incidents. There’s another reason I love this piece of uniform: It makes my backside look really good.

  Come on! I’m no fool. I know uniforms ignite people’s fantasies. I would challenge anyone to say otherwise. I’ll always remember Becky’s answer when I asked her what her thoughts were on our future uniform during our initial training: “I don’t care what it looks like, a flight attendant uniform is always sexy and I’ll certainly take advantage of it. Pilots aren’t afraid to use that privilege, and I won’t be either!”

  She was right, girls fall head over heels when they come across pilots proudly walking around, showing off the stripes on their shoulders. Why couldn’t we do the same to men with our smile and attractive behind? Either way, Becky makes the most of it. She’s always arm in arm with rich men who are taking her around yachts in Nice or fancy four-Michelin-star restaurants.

  Becky is a professional enchantress with or without her uniform, but not me. I only know that the uniform looks good on me and that morning I put it on thinking of nothing more than to make it to the aircraft on time. In fact, we had to go. I carefully tied my scarf around my neck and applied the final touch, one that would turn me into a compelling flight attendant: a pink lipstick called Enchanted. Who would I be hypnotizing today? Only the upcoming events could tell.

  Chapter 3

  San José (SJO), Costa Rica

  We had just landed in Costa Rica. The flight had gone relatively well, apart from a rough landing in San José and our late arrival at the aircraft that morning.

  As Rupert and I were called in for work at the last minute, we arrived late at the airport and missed the captain’s briefing. Justin, our chief purser, dutifully proceeded to give us a summary of the flight conditions when we finally made it to the gate. That is also where we were informed that there was possible turbulence in the first hour or so of the flight, which was due to last a total of five hours and fifteen minutes. And since we were the last ones to arrive, we did not get to choose our work positions on the plane in the usual order of seniority. So, we had to put up with what was left.

  Rupert was to take care of boarding, an unfortunate position due to all the “hellos” and “goodbyes” it implied. And I was to look after the back galley, the kitchen area where the meal and drinks service carts are located.

  During the flight, Rupert and I still had some time to chat a little and he was more than happy to provide me with juicy details on the couple crew members I didn’t know. I must say that even though Rupert always brings bad luck on a flight, he is the best gossiper in the company. A quick catch-up with him before a flight allows me to always know who I am about to deal with.

  “All right, Rupert, give me the gossip.”

  “Hm, all these pretty flight attendants have a good reputation, apart maybe from Suzie, who slept with half the company,” he casually said.

  “Suzie? Which one is that?”

  “She’s the one who was complaining at the beginning of the flight because it was too hot in the cabin, and then again when we took off, and again when we started the drinks service.”

  “Ah right, I see the one. She slept with everyone? Pilots, I imagine?”

  “What do you think? The worst part is th
ey all had girlfriends.”

  “I can’t believe it! How can a girl do that again and again without having the slightest thought for the poor girlfriends? If us girls had each other’s backs and only slept with single guys, no one would ever get cheated on!”

  “Come on, Scarlett, don’t try to convince me that you’ve never slept with a pilot even though he was in a relationship? Suzie probably isn’t the first, nor the last. You girls find them all attractive even when they’re ugly.”

  “Rupert! We’ve lived together for almost three years, you should know by now that I’ve never done such a thing,” I said, insulted by his assumption.

  “Actually, didn’t you kiss two or three of them when we first started?”

  “Yeah but I just kissed them because I was drunk and only found out after the fact that they had girlfriends. Anyway, today I know the drill so there’s no chance I’ll sleep with one of these pretentious pilots.”

  Rupert seemed proud of my answer. He was probably happy that I wasn’t like that Suzie-Flirt-With-Every-Pilot girl. He could have contented himself with just a smile but instead asked me one more question.

  “And if you were to fall in love with one of them, would you still think they’re so pretentious?”

  “Well, there’s absolutely no chance of that happening!” I stated, absolutely convinced of my answer.

  ◆◆◆

  After our quick chat, I immediately returned to work. The closer we were getting to our destination the more I was starting to think that maybe Rupert-the-Jinx would contain his bad omen on our plane. I was already delighted at the thought. Perhaps my own energy had neutralized the spell?

  Once on our descent, the captain advised us that the winds in Costa Rica were slight crosswinds and that chances were the landing would be rough. We put all the carts away and proceeded to our final cabin checks in order to take a seat as quickly as possible.